I am so alone in my own home. I feel afriad at night. I double check every door. Not obsesively...just enough to know they are locked. Then I lay in bed and still wonder...will the dog hear...what if they didn't want the dog to hear? Would they be successful? I am not sure. I hate feeling that there is someone or something that would want to terrorize me or my family. But, ...am I really worried about a terorrist? No...I served my country....send me to war...send me to somewhere where we all are watching. As sad as is sounds...I fear my own brothers and sisters. I pray they stay away. I worry they have access to weapons. I hope that I can keep my children safe. I worry....what if I can't? I was never safe as a child. No one kept me safe...how can I keep them safe. I thought that living in the "sticks" would be safe. Well it is only safe if they don't know where you live, or they are in prison, or they just don't care about you or what you think. I am not sure my family fits the safe zone. Is there anyone that knows how to help? My husband and sister think I am just overreacting....I wish that is how I felt in the bottom of my stomach. I worry every second. I don't know where to go...or how to be to feel safe. I guess....if it my time ...it will be my time. I can only hope my family can enjoy life for a long long time. I hope I can keep them safe!

So...can you believe that some people lie? It is true!!!! Sometimes people worry more about what you think than what you are worth as a friend. The truth is worth its weight in gold in any friendship. I have a friend...that used to be friends. Not following...me niether. I mean it is wierd how men can be friends without thier wives being friends ...right? So let me tell you the story. We (my husband and I) have been friends with another couple for some time.
Until.....all of the sudden she wasn't our friend. What???? So now it is her 50th birthday and I am supposed to care. Well I am not sure I do. Normally I would be the first to throw a party for her. But, not only does she not want a party...she doesn't want to be around any of our "normal" friendship ring. I don't know how to tell her husband...other than try and understand. Unfortunately I know he is the only one she talks to..and at work she throws me under the bus. I know that I can't...and wouldn't ask for his loyalty. ...but I don't need to be lied to by either of them. So...where is the line? I will for sure try to be the better person. I hope that I don't have to decide on the line. But, we all know that the day is coming. If if wasn't I wouldn't be blogging. I will keep you informed. I hope she comes around. My/Our friendship relies on it ...and unfortunately as rumor has it...so does my job.

So.... it's been a while. There have been a lot of things happen since my last blog. I understand my grandson's heart defect a little more. The name of it is Teterology of Follot....sounds bad huh. You can google it and know he will need heart surgery soon in his life. I am sure I will keep you informed...with my daughters permission as this goes on.

This brings me to tell you a story of my other pregnancy. You see, after Fontayne, the chances were low and the doctors were not very optimistic about me ever being pregnant again. They were wrong....

I don't want to change the subject...but, you know medicine is just an educated guess right? There is a lot of science and statistics...and ultimately it is exactly a best guess for the situation. Normally they are very close...but you never know. Research and education on your own could never hurt. That doesn't mean second guess them like you did eight plus years of college and however many years practicing what you learned. It just means be educated about you!

On to the subject. After I learned I was in fact pregnant with Autumn, all I could do was say that I would do whatever that I could to get her here. Of course I didn't know who she was at the time. I remember calling the Doctor to get my first appointment. They were like....we can wait....I said no, we can't. I am high risk and I need to see the doctor as soon as possible. (This wouldn't be the first time in my life that a doctor would recommend that I seek professional help.) After the nurse reviewed my record she did concede that I would need to be seen soon. I made the appointment. Of course I still didn't think it was soon enough. I thought I should have been in the next day and be the most important pregnant person in the eyes of any doctor.

I remember walking into the appointment wishing...dreaming...and saying "I will do anything to get this baby here"....."alive!" I guess that I was in my own world. There wasn't anyone as impatient as me. I was just another OB appointment to the staff and to the doctor.

Then he read my chart......

I think it was more of a reality to him than me..but I seen his face change. We had several tests to do and a lot of things had to happen in a little amount of time....and the timing needed to be precise.

I will write more later...this is it for tonight, the story for me has a ton more words and I feel better writing about them. I hope they will help someone someday.

Well it has been a while...my sisters Dad has passed...Christmas and New Year has come and gone. I haven't had the best start to the New Year. I broke my ass....literally on the first day of this year. Wow, I figured that bad things come in threes. My friend isn't my friend..and her husband killed himself...that is one. My sister's Dad died of cancer...that is two. Then I learned that my daughter's baby has a congenital heart defect....teterology of follot...I thought that was three until..I actually fell and broke my ass. Hmmm so where do we go from here?

I have been contemplating just being a good person. I think that I am okay...and then something happens. I am sure that you could only keep up if I wrote everyday. Maybe for my well being that is what I need to do. So let me start by backing up..and telling you why I have been so distraught.

Our daughter Shannen is 28+ weeks pregnant. Thank God! That is how far along I was at 19 when my first child was born and died. I truly think the staff was hardened...they kept saying "Your young and you can have another one"..but that isn't what I wanted. I wanted Fontayne to live..I would have gave my live for her. I never wanted to seem bitter. I kept thinking that if I didn't "BLAME" anyone that life would go on and it would be okay. Life went on...but my thoughts didn't end. I have always wondered if me stopping life support was the right decision.

I remember dancing at my boyfriends family event in Payson...my stomach felt heavy. I didn't know why. I was young...or maybe that is an excuse...I didn't want to dance..it hurt. I went into the bathroom. There wasn't anyone I knew. I still felt the pressure to have Yancy's family accept me. I danced..even though the pressure felt awful. (I have not told anyone this in my life.) We later went home..where I made...what I called at the time love. It was finally more lubricant than it had been...I didn't know...it was blood! We went to the hospital....with Yancy's Mother....we stopped by to tell my Mom...she just said she would meet us. After we arrived at the hospital it was very strange. The Dr's and Nurses didn't want to tell me the truth..I could tell. It is different now days. There wasn't anyone with me...just them and me. I felt so alone. Once they learned of everything I had told them...the truth...they looked at me like I was a whore....having sex with my boyfriend..the father of my child was bad. I felt bad.....

I ended up admitted in the hospital. They told me I would be there until the baby was born. I t was like a confinement. I felt so awful for feeling that way. I wished that I felt different. I told my Mom...if I could just run around this room one time and get back in bed I would be fine....what I didn't know...Then I started coughing. The Dr was of course busy and I was a secondary in their mind. Besides...I was young and I could have another baby...another time when I was older. I asked for a Dr all day. They never came. My Mom stopped by...but she thought I was worried over nothing. I was laying at an angle to keep my baby inside me...I thought are you sure this is no big deal? But she comforted me somehow.

Later that night I had what I thought was a bowel movement...but now I have learned that isn't what happened. I hadn't had a bowell movement in so long they were bugging me every time that I had to go to the bathroom. Of course by now this is like a week later and I have been on my back unable to get out of the bed. I really thought I had a Bowell movement. The nurse immediately called the Dr to find out what was going on. They all came in the room together. I remember it like it was yesterday. The Dr. asked...What happened did you have a bowell movement...and before I could answer..the nurse said "NO"...I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say...I looked at her and she looked at me and again she said "NO"...what was I to do? I said I guess no? As soon as I said that the Dr. said we are going to take you into the delivery room and we no longer going to try and stop your labor.

I didn't know what to think..had I pushed the baby out trying to poop? What would I do...the Dr's knew best. They began calling family members. They told me they were going to take my baby and that it would need to be worked on right away. They asked me if I would sign papers to allow administration of a trial medication. They said it would help the baby's lungs. Of course I signed. My mother made it for the arrival of my daughter Fontayne....I remember as they took her across the room and into NICU that my Mom said..."It's a Girl...and they fight harder." I believed her.....then

What I remember from there is sort of a blur.....I remember that the Dr's.... said you need to come and see your daughter while she is alive....she needs you...I did. Then later in the night a Dr. said...we don't think she will live without life support and you need to make a decision. I had to make those decisions every day in the hospital...Do you want to be revived if you die..a living will...and I thought...I wouldn't want to be on life support. I knew...there was life that there was a quality and not a quantity...I stopped life support.... At the ripe age of 19..I alone stopped life support. I am not sure that I will sleep well the rest of my life...but that is the decision that I alone made.

Then Fontayne was gone. They let me see her and hold her and love her. Yancy was there...I just remember me. It was...I am sure the most difficult thing I have ever done. She was still. Breathless. A small little baby that I unfortunately couldn't bring to life....how do you go on. I wondered what to do...there were people all around telling me what to do.

I didn't want to listen to them...then I got to my room. by this time it was full with people. They were talking about obituaries and funerals and all I could think about was that I walked into my room and she didn't. She didn't see the sun. She never got to breathe the fresh air. She didn't get to see a sunset.....they were trying to keep me in the hospital..I couldn't take it...then...I received a bouquet of black balloons...at the time it was devastating. I am sure there wasn't ill intent behind it..yet it was the end of a life to me. It was like deflating my balloon...I could barely breathe...I remember telling the staff that I needed to leave. It took several more hours to actually be released. That was something that I will never remember fully. Thank God!

It only got worse from there. I went through the days of getting her ready for burial..finding a plot....finding a dress and then we had to dress her. What a devastating moment. I still remember her still body. We had bought a dress that was for a doll to make sure it fit. She was so blue...I felt like it was my fault. The days had went by..but not with me. I wondered why...WHY...what did I do! I had quit smoking...no drinking...no drugs..just taking care of my child. Why me?!?

I went through the ceremonial stuff that everyone does when someone dies..but, I am not sure I was there. We picked places, plots, obituaries, clothes and who knows what...I am sure I meant well. I just barely remember..except it happened. I still wonder why!

What a weekend! We buried Randy. It was exactly what he wanted a quaint graveside service and a celebration of life. We had a very nice celebration. There was lots of family there. I guess I didn't realize that Joyce had other family....hmm....Makes you think that I didn't have that. It is kind of weird how life works. I didn't even meet my Dad's family until I was an adult. My brother got invited to their house for a Christmas party...so I called and asked if I could come. Well they only sort of even knew that I existed and then I got a re-gift...WTF is that. I certainly didn't want a present let alone a re-gift because you feel that you need to give someone a present. It was the weirdest thing ever. Wow...that is off the subject. Anyway all of my Sister's family was there......except my other sister and her two brothers...notice how I let her claim them...my mom my aunt and all of her kids. Since my Grams and Grander passed all of my family has basically separated. I miss those days. I really miss my Grander. He was more of a father to me than anyone. He was my babysitter and my friend. I totally miss him.

On the upside it was a nice celebration and we are getting closer to Christmas. I didn't get any decorations on the outside of the house...bur our tree is up. I still have to do some more shopping but we will get there. This is the first year that I am this far behind. I am sure it will be good. We are going to have a little family gathering and just enjoy each other. I will let you know how it goes.

Today was a good day. We got together with some friends that we haven't hung out with in a while. I cooked chili and cornbread. You know the stuff that sticks to your ribs after you eat it. There were kids and friends and even baby Ryan. This is the time of year that you gather to be with friends and family. The Christmas tree is up and the fire is lit. A sure sign that Santa needs to get thier sh*t together for next week.

Tomorrow is Friday and I am so glad that this week is over. I need to get refreshed for the next week to come. Randy's services will be on Saturday with the wake at my Sisters after. The family is so sensitive about the things that time and circumstances have changed. I am sure there will be some delicate issues that we will encounter. I just hope that everyone takes the high road and realizes that time has gone by and things and people have changed. I have for sure. As my family has changed so have I. We have all chosen different paths and weather you like it or not...some of our paths are very far apart. I remember when my Mom was living with me and the Dr's said she would be passing ...(she hasn't yet) ... she said after I am gone you probably won't talk to some of your brothers and sister..and guess what I wouldn't then, and probably won't now. My life has taken me to a place that I need to be. I have enough drama of my own without them. I certainly don't want my kids involved in the things that they surround themselves with. Life is hard enough all on it's own. I hope that as difficult and strange that I am that my kids have it a little...a lot better than I did when I grew up. Some of the things being very simple..like having the lights on, water, gas and just having transportation. I think you have to go without before you can really appreciate having these things. But, I would rather that my kids never have to know that hardship. Sooo I guess that is enough for tonight. I am going to sit here by the fire, watch HGTV and drink a beer before I go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is full of sunshine.

So, have I ever told you that I am the 7th child of 8? My mother had 8 children. The first four children are from her first husband. Joyce, Christina, Randall and Jack. Thier Dad is..was Randy. He passed away today. How do you explain to people that your sisters father is gone an you need to leave work?

Let's start with the fact that my father passed away a long time ago and he was never as much a part of the family as Randy. Randy had his moments and people had thier opinions...but he was always there. A steady pillar in our unsteady world. I guess we all look up to who we can. Even though he wasn't my father....he was. As my sister grew up so did he. He realized that he really did love his children and would do what he could to be a part of thier lives. Too bad my other siblings didn't see this. I appreciated his presence at so may family gatherings. There were times that had I been in his shoes, I am not sure that I would have made it....But, he swallowed his pride..and always attended family events. Of course he wasn't always a saint..there were moments that my family would have rather that his mother ate her young...and Grams didn't hesitate to say so. But overall in what we call life, I am proud to have known Randy and to have been his friend. I know that if I would have needed something and I would have called upon him, he would have helped me. Isn't that what we want eveyone to say about us after we pass on?